So I left for Asheville dealing with a lot of trauma, but it was ultimately a good thing. My grandmother continuously attempted to get me to have a face to face conversation with my father. This man has abused me physically, verbally, emotionally, and sexually when he was a part of my life in which he was mostly absent. This grandmother is my father's mother. Unfortunately for her and her children, she refuses to face the truth about many things in attempts to create a false reality of an ideal family--which is so far from true reality.
The first few times I refused to go out of my way to have some sort of conversation with him. I don't live my life to please others nor will I cater to other people's refusal to accept reality.
During my stay at my grandmothers that time I recovered more of my childhood memories which forced me to deal with more of the trauma I experienced as a child-- which I knew the Universe would continue to force me to do. It started in Atlanta... during the Goddess Retreat I participated in as a practitioner. I was able to benefit from some of the other healers present and as a result some of these things I've had buried and continued to repress were forced to the surface. I knew it was coming I just didn't expect to be that devastated by the sudden face with reality.
I made a beautiful necklace when I got to Asheville that helped me to deal with the Trauma and a navel ring that helped me to heal from the abuse. My partner and I also had to spend a great deal of time in the room working to heal the effects of the experience. I'm grateful for his assistance. I'm not sure how I would've been able to handle any of it on my own. My heart chakra was in such a rut that was almost impossible to work out.
We spent some time in the mountains after that which also helped to complete the healing process.
We stopped by my Grandma's one more time before heading to Columbia, SC--my home town. She again went out of her way to force me and my father to face each other. This time was different though.. because I was ready... I was healed.
The whole situation was just absurd to me... going back and forth with him about what the truth was... and several lies coming out of his mouth. He's always been a compulsive liar... and what pedophile actually admits to his offense?... none that I know of... so I didn't expect anything less....
It was quite ridiculous really. What was he trying to prove? Who was he trying to convince? What was the point? Eventually I realized that he would not admit anything... would not apologize... and definitely would not repent. I also realized that the whole conversation itself was feeding his insanity and he no longer deserved the energy I was expending in the conversation so I said my peace and moved on.
I just think its sad the way people play themselves and realized that the only regard I have left for him is just disgust.
That next day I recalled more memories though... the memory of why I decided to pretend these things never happened anyway... the reason we all pretended to be a normal happy family... the reason my mother was stupid enough to get back with my father after 10+ years.... MY GRANDMOTHER... and then it all made sense and I knew why I came... TO REMEMBER the role she played.... THE TRUTH. Thats where the real healing was... and I was able to move on... with no ill feelings toward any of them, but overstanding and pity. The realization that everyone cannot face reality, that everyone cannot face their issues, that everyone is not as strong or ressilliant as I am... this will impact the way I love, care for, and heal others... I will now be a better healer and a better wife... a better mother.
Out of it all.. I'm grateful for the liberation that came from the experience... the openness of my heart chakra and the ability to enjoy my present relationship to its fullness.
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